


Champion

by whokilledlaurapalmer



Category: Pocket Monsters: Sun & Moon | Pokemon Sun & Moon Versions
Genre: Angst, F/F, Moon goes by Selene in this fic, Selene is gay and bad at feelings, Slow Burn, takes place five years later
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-20
Updated: 2017-07-23
Packaged: 2018-12-04 18:37:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11561028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whokilledlaurapalmer/pseuds/whokilledlaurapalmer
Summary: Invulnerability, Selene realized, was one of the most isolating feelings in the universe.-Selene is having an identity crisis and Lillie's return to Alola uproots a myriad of feelings, some more complex than others.





	1. Chapter 1

Invulnerability, Selene realized, was one of the most isolating feelings in the universe.

Merely a child when she was named Alola Champion, she clung to that title with unshakable pride. Worthiness, she thought, _this_ is my worth, my legacy. Every battle she won against those who challenged her fed her determination, made her stronger and stronger. She never wanted to stop. It was almost an addiction how much she kept going, how hard she pushed, waiting for her own demise, her own collapse under the weight of her self-inflicted pressure. A failure that would never come. Years of failures that never came.

Every victory: once a moment for her to tell the challengers to keep growing, now became bitter. Challengers were confused that she seemed more disappointed than they were about losing, furious even.

“I can’t believe this,” she had said, “I thought you would win. I finally thought--”

Hau hung his head down. He was much taller now, they both were, but his growth spurts had been merciless to him. While he still looked the same, his hair had grown long and the whiskers of facial hair that stippled his chin were beginning to darken. In his large orange robe he still looked like a child, but when he finally lifted his head, Selene saw cultivation in the amber of his irises. Only briefly did she see the pain of defeat on his face before his eyes crinkled and his mouth lifted into his usual warm smile, only lukewarm this time.

“Don’t feel bad for me, Selene. You work as hard as I do. I thought this would be my chance, but--” He shook his head. “You always push me to do my best. Nobody has ever challenged me the way you have.”

How she envied those words. A challenge. Something to prove to someone you lose to. Deep inside, she had wanted him to win, to finally fulfill his wish, just like she had done five years ago. But deeper inside, darker and more unconscious, the thought of anyone else taking her title made her soul ache, they would have to pry it from her. After all, it had become her character: the undefeatable Alola Champion. How could she turn the lights off on her own identity?

It began to strain her and Hau’s friendship; she knew he was tired of losing to her and the radio silence from Lillie was beginning to wear on them both. Moreso for her, as Hau had gotten over his feelings a long time ago, but she just couldn’t. Her free thoughts always fell back to Lillie. It had been two years since she last visited and her most recent letters and phone calls had dwindled to nothing. For months.

Selene wanted to visit Kanto again, it was where she was from, after all. She had the money to do it too, but the responsibility of champion kept her from going anywhere. She couldn’t just put the Pokemon League on hold because she wanted to visit her friend. A single defeat would make it all easier for her. But Selene had more pride than to just throw away her title, even if it did mean she could see Lillie again. Even if it would soothe the empty well of loneliness in the pit of her stomach.

* * *

 

Four more months passed and Selene received a single letter in her mailbox. Thunderclaps echoed in her chest, paralyzing her; her storm-grey eyes focused with a frightening intensity on the handwriting; no doubt it was Lillie’s. Meticulously, she opened the envelope and read the letter inside.

She clapped her hand to her mouth to hold back the inhuman gasp that flew from her throat, the paper slipping out of her fingers and swaying to the floor, like the first falling leaf in Autumn.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When she decided to visit, Lillie unknowingly brought up years of confusion, emotions that Selene tamped down far into her mind, using their distance as a tool to fade them out. And how easily they flared up again, like a reaction to new stimuli, a reaction to Lillie.
> 
> (Chapter starts two years before the events of Chapter 1 and flashes to the present at the end.)

The last time Lillie had visited they were all fourteen: Hau was still short and excitable, Selene was still bright-faced, full of hope, and so, so undeniably pleased with herself that she still reigned undefeated. So seemingly content, yet she lapped up Lillie’s praise like fresh water in a vast desert; she had been deprived of the unique type of affection that only Lillie could give to her.

Selene and Hau had greeted her at the Hau’oli City Marina, the same place they parted ways those three years ago. Hau’s eyes were full of tears, just as they were when she had left. Lillie couldn’t help but find it sweet, despite knowing the boy had feelings for her that she didn’t (or couldn’t) return. Selene’s expression was similar as well: a sad smile; she had always been better at hiding her emotions from Lillie. Maybe it was out of fear, a fear that she didn’t want Lillie to see her weak and wanting; she didn’t want to tell her how torturous the years without her had been, how truly attached she was to Lillie’s presence. She didn’t want to say things like _being Champion is starting to make me feel emotionally isolated from everyone I know_ or _I’m sorry that I couldn’t find an ounce of free time to visit you in Kanto_ and definitely not _I’m already sad because I only have a week to tell you how the last three years have been for me._ So instead she smiled in that familiar, infectious way and asked Lillie if she wanted to see her new Pokemon party.

“Selene, you’ve become so powerful,” Lillie had said when Selene showed off her Pokemon. “Not to say that you weren’t always that way, of course! I just constantly seem find myself in awe of your tenacity as a trainer. You never cease to amaze me.”

The sparkling glimmer of the evening sun on the ocean seemed to reflect in Lillie’s eyes as she spoke. Selene looked up to meet those eyes now, since Lillie had grown taller than both her and Hau, her hair longer and still tied back from her face in a ponytail; she stood up straight with her long legs that would make any professional dancer envious. The biggest difference about Lillie, though, was the way she spoke. While her voice was still soft, it had conviction and the tremble that was once her timbre had become nothing more than a ghost. Her words were eloquent and thoroughly thought out; Selene could tell Lillie still adored reading from her expanded vocabulary.

“Thank you, Lillie,” Selene said. She paused a moment, furrowing her brows before asking, in a much softer voice, “How has Kanto been?”

Lillie’s expression shifted and her smile wavered; with a slight turn of her head, the glimmer of light disappeared from her eyes. She moved closer to Selene and the shade from the nearby building cast a shadow over Lillie’s face. Selene was cognizant enough to ask vague questions, because she knew Lillie was smart enough to read her tone and facial expressions over her words. When Selene would ask her about Kanto so quietly, so generally, she was really asking about Lusamine. Just because she was close with Lillie didn’t mean she should bluntly ask about sensitive subjects, especially not in a public space.

“Things have been going well. Progress has been very slow-- well, much slower than I anticipated, anyway,” she said. “I still haven’t been able to start my training yet.”

“What’s this about training?” Hau’s voice intercepted the conversation as he returned from his short trip to the vending machine. He pressed a water bottle into Lillie’s hands before handing the other one to Selene. “Lillie, have you caught any Pokemon yet?”

Lillie shook her head and Selene patted her shoulder.

“Ooh, I know! We can teach you a couple things since you’re here, Lillie!” Hau said, “I’m sure Kukui and Gramps could help too!”

“That’s very kind of you to offer, Hau,” Lillie said with a nervous laugh. “Although for now, I would rather just spend time with you guys. We have so much catching up to do.”

“Okay!” Hau’s reply was followed by a loud growl from his stomach. He chuckled, folding his arms behind his head. “But can we do our catching up at the malasada shop? I’m starving!”

* * *

The trio spent hours at the malasada shop sharing stories about the recent years and ruminating about their past adventures together. Only when the sky faded into that memorable shade of sunglow orange, did Lillie realize that they ought to head back to Iki Town so she could still greet Professor Kuhui at a considerate time. And only when the orange grew deeper with the lowering sun, did Selene notice Lillie had wrapped her arms around hers as they walked home.

“Are you cold, Lillie?” Selene asked, unsure of how to react to Lillie’s touch. She was thankful for the darkening sky, the streetlights would fail to reveal her rosy cheeks and her wandering eyes.

“Ah, not really. I’ve forgotten how warm the evenings are here. I guess I just missed the physical contact,” she said before suddenly adding, “Gosh, I hope that doesn’t sound weird!”

“Not at all,” Selene replied, still caught up in her thoughts.

How many glimpses had she snuck of Lillie in the three hours she had arrived? She lost count, despite never counting in the first place. She annoyed herself when she did it, having to be cautious that Lillie didn’t catch her staring, that she didn’t notice how hard it was for Selene to speak up, to say things and not stare into Lillie’s eyes too long. Memories like tidal waves would wash over their conversation every time Lillie mentioned them being eleven and young and new about everything. Flashbulbs flickered on in her head, illuminating all the parts of her brain that she left to collect dust and cobwebs, because Lillie had not been there to stimulate them with her sharp eyes and shy smile. When she decided to visit, Lillie unknowingly brought up years of confusion, emotions that Selene tamped down far into her mind, using their distance as a tool to fade them out. And how easily they flared up again, like a reaction to new stimuli, a reaction to Lillie.

Out, out, out of her mind she shoved them back with all her strength. They belonged deep, six feet under for the worms to eat up. She didn’t want to think about them; she refused to. She just kept walking in silence. They were almost to Iki Town. They were almost home.

* * *

Selene buckled and sat at her desk, her face in her hands. She peered through the gaps of her fingers down at the paper between her feet:

_Selene,_

_I hope you are doing well._

_Firstly, I would like to apologize for my lack of communication with you and Hau. While I’m not making excuses, there has been a lot going on with me recently. I know that during my last visit to Alola, I told you my stay in Kanto was indefinite and that even though, at the time, it had been a couple years since Bill helped remove all of Nihilego’s neurotoxins from my mother’s bloodstream, her recovery was an extremely slow process. Because of this, I was not able to start my journey as a Pokemon trainer until the beginning of this year._

_However, I hope that the news I am about to give you makes up for my silence: I am coming back to Alola. Not visiting! I do not know the exact day yet, but I assure you that I will be boarding a plane as soon as possible. I can’t wait to see you and Hau again! I know being the Alola Champion has kept you busy, but I trust you will still be able to make the time to catch up with an old friend!_

_Lillie_

It took everything in Selene’s power to fight back the hot tears that bubbled under her eyes. Pressing her fingers to them, she rubbed with a harshness that felt like a combination of anger and anticipation. Inhaling sharply, she picked up the letter from the floor and re-read it over and over again to ensure she wasn’t hallucinating or misunderstanding what was written. The corners of her mouth twitched as she still tried to quell the strange, pitiful noises coming from her throat.

Six feet deep in her mind, where the ugly, unconscious, slimy things wiggled and squirmed, a flare went off, bursting from the wet soil.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Am I completely sure what I want to do with this story? Sorta!  
> Am I projecting my experiences of growing up gay onto poor Selene? You bet your ass I am!
> 
> Thanks again for reading, I'm excited about this story and hopefully it will explore some pretty gay and angsty stuff! :)


End file.
